Shawna
by Simonekingofthelumppycats13
Summary: Something has been breaking Emily's heart for year but she decided that is was better kept a secret. Now that secret is finding it's way free when they work a case involving missing children in Virginia. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Authors notes:** So this is my first sadish story so please be nice i don't know if i can really write sad stuff. (if you read my other story you would know that i have only ever wrote happy stuff!) so please tell me how i did.

**Beta:** music4life1202

**Disclaimer:** Sadly i do not own criminal minds but if i did you can't even imagine what would happen.

* * *

I wrapped my arms around my slim body as a shiver climbed up my spine because of the cold weather outside. Crisp clear rain drops dripped down and landed on my dark hair and eye lashes as I bent over to grab a tiny grey envelope that lay lonesome on the front step of my condo. I brushed the dirt clean from the corners and slid my finger inside the opening and ripped from one side to the other. I used my heel kick the door closed behind me. I closed my eyes as I slipped a simple little note and tightly creased picture out, beginning to carefully unfold them. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my pale shaking palms. I waited 365 agonizing days for this and now that it's here, now that I am finally holding it in my hands, I'm terrified.

In the night stand by my bed, there are seven more identical images, dating all the way back to the day she went missing, eight years ago. Every single one is a painful reminder of the mistake I made. I left her for maybe a minute, no more.

Each is the same common everyday house hold grey envelope with a hand written note on simple white 8.5 by 11 inch paper and a recently captured picture placed ever so gently inside. There's nothing I can do to track where this had come from. There is never a return address and the handwriting is a perfect match to Shawna. Of course, over the years, it has matured quite a bit. But still, all in all the same.

My eyes drift up and down the letter, letting each word ring clearly in my mind…

_Do you remember who she was… of course you do. The smiles and all the love she gave, how much she trusted the world. Trust is a mistake. It is what was hurting her so much. We wished not to have to take her; we hoped you would help change her yourself. But you did not; you wanted her to be hurt, to be taken. And thankfully we were there to save her from you. Shawna's life is better, not that she no longer believes unrealities. So you're welcome for fixing your daughter; she is in much better hands now, you were no more than a unfit mother parenting a child who deserved the life we are giving her._

Tears streamed down my dry pale cheeks as I wept from the depths of my sole. Unfit mother? Could I have been that bad? I imagine how scared she was being, forced to write each heart breaking phrase, knowing that it was for me.

I quickly flipped the letter behind the photo and stared at it. She looked to be quite a bit taller, maybe 5'4 and her long dark hair reached almost to her hips. Her figure was slim and she looked like she rarely ate and there were dark black circles under her eyes because her nightmares were, I'm sure, getting worse. It pains me to see the scared look in her beautiful chocolate brown eyes, and the purple, blue, green and yellow bruises all over her limp, frail body. Tears would spill from my already watery eyes and drip down my cheek each time I look at how different she looks from year to year. Someone stole my baby and I was missing her life, but what made it so hard was that she looks so much like me.

I was getting caught up in my thoughts when I heard a knock at the door. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and slipped the letter and picture under a stack of case files on the dinner table.

"Coming!" I yelled as I rushed to open the door.

As I opened the door, JJ smiled up at me.

"Hey! You seemed kind of out of it today so were having a girl's night. Without Garcia and her wired drinks. I brought four hours of grey's anatomy and a pizza is on its…" she stopped and confusedly looked at my face, she had noticed my painful tear. The smile on her face disappeared.

"Are you crying?" She questioned softly as she wrapped her arm around me and warmly held tight.

I had never told anyone on my beloved team about Shawna because it was too difficult. I had started to accept the fact that she was never coming home. I didn't feel it was important for them to know about my daughter because I felt that I needed to forget if I wanted to keep myself from going insane. Another tear dripped down my face as I let go. I couldn't let her see me break down, I had to be strong.

I walked across the room so I could wipe my watery eyes.

"Emily? Are you okay?" She asked me and all I wanted was to yell at her to get out of my house, but she didn't know what she was intruding into. She is my friend and she's was just trying to help in the best way she could, talking.

Before I could answer, both of our phones began to ring and instantly we knew we had a new case. '_Saved by the bell'_ I thought as she shook her head, knowing that I would now try not to find myself alone with her so we could finish this conversation.

"Prentiss." I answered professionally as I pulled my phone close to my ear and grabbed my go-bag off of the back of a chair. Then we disappeared out the door.

* * *

As I walked out of the elevator, I was greeted by a loud "You don't need that."

I looked up to see Derek standing against the BAU glass door. He was trying to point at my go bag with his pinky because his hands were filled with two hot cups of freshly brewed coffee. He smiled as I lifted one mug from his grasp.

"Thank you." I said as he followed me to my desk to I could drop my black coat and bag on my chair. I placed the coffee on the desk, wiping the water from the part in my brunette hair. We exchanged small talk for a few minutes until JJ and Garcia came running in. Garcia stepped quickly up the cat walk and knocked on Hotch and Rossi's office doors as she passed by.

Derek and I exchanged a concerning look and made our ways to our seat around the conference room table. We watched Garcia scramble to get started as JJ passed us our tablets.

I looked up at the television screen in front of me as a large picture of a semi toothless, grinning little blonde haired girl appeared suddenly. Her blue eyes sparked in the sunlight and she seemed to be no more than six years of age.

"This is five year old Carly Patterson." JJ started drawing everyone's attention to the screen.

Then Garcia took over and JJ sat next to Hotch at the end of the circular dark wooden table.

"She went missing just over two hours ago, Carly and her mother where walking home from Carly's figure skating lessons. Carly's mother Megan claims her daughter saw a penny and stopped to pick it up. Megan kept walking and after about thirty seconds she turned around to see why Carly was not at her side. Carly had vanished, and Megan said she heard no screaming or any kind of noise that would suggest that our unsub had hurt Carly. Megan started looking around and she found a hand written letter talking about how she's a terrible mother and how she doesn't deserve to have her daughter."

That was how long it took Shawna to disappear. Under a minute, I left her for under a minute

_Flashback…_

_I was in our back yard. It had always seemed like a safe and private place to play with my five year old daughter because the fence was made of wood so no one could see in and it only opened from the inside. The latch was too high for her short little arms to reach on their own. Her shoulder length brown pig tails flopped up and down as she ran swiftly around the yard._

_I sat on the edge of the porch with my feet dangling off; soaking in the warmth of the summer sun as I flipped through a magazine. I felt two tiny palms land on my leg so I dropped my article on the lightly colored wooden deck and smiled down on Shawna. She looked upset as a frown covered her pale face._

"_What is it baby?" I asked as she lay down with her head resting across my legs._

"_I'm bored mommy. Will you play with me?" her big brown eyes sparkled as she bit her lip the same way I did when asking questions._

"_Of course I can play with you Shawn." I stood up and brushed minuscule specks of dirt off my black shorts. "What do you want to play?" she looked around the yard._

"_Sophie from daycare showed me a game she plays with her older brother. It's really fun! It's called ninja's and you…" the phone began to ring and the happy smile on her face quickly turned into a frown._

"_I'm sorry baby. Mommy will be right back." I said as I ran for the phone._

_When I finally picked up there was no answer on the other end. "That's funny." I whispered, but thought nothing of it as I grabbed two cookies we had made that morning, knowing it would cheer Shawna up._

_I closed the back door as I stepped out onto the deck._

_"It must have been a telemarketer or something, sorry Shawn. Here's a cookie, now what was that game you were telling me about?" I looked up when she didn't take the chocolaty sweet from my hand and didn't answer my question about the game she was so anxious to teach me. I turned around slowly, expecting to see her tiny figure trying to sneak up on me, but I saw no one. A loud noise caught my attention, metal hitting metal. My eyes darted across the lawn to the open fence gate that swung in the wind. I raced across the grass, leaving the cookies in a pile on the porch._

_"Shawn!' I screamed bloody murder as loud as I could. "Shawna!" By now, all the neighbors were outside helping me try to find my precious daughter. After calling the police and searching for over an hour just on my property, we found a note and a photo of the two of us strolling down the street. It broke my heart as I read each word. Since that day, I had heard nor seen nothing except the letters. My little girl was missing all because I left her alone for a minute._

_End flashback_

I understand the heart breaking horror of losing a child and how desperate I am to bring her home. I began shifting uncomfortably in my seat. I could feel JJ's darting eyes on me then I heard my name.

"Prentiss? Emily? Are you okay? "Morgan asked me as I stopped fidgeting and snapped out of my daydream or more like nightmare.

"What?" I was hoping that he was the only one that really noticed anything but when I looked up everyone was staring at me. "Yeah fine I just… I think I left the light on at home and global warming is going to kill the dolphins." I instinctively rolled my eye at myself. _Nice one Emily, the dolphins?_ I sarcastically said in my head. As I looked around I got the same _what are you talking about_ glare from all my colleges. I didn't know what to do so I just tried to ignore it and change the conversation. "So this is a single abduction. Why are we working it?"

Garcia pressed a button on her remote and what looked to be about thirty pictures of little girls flashed up on the screen. "I'm not done yet gumdrop, let me finish. "

"Wait, all these kids are missing and they think these cases are connected?" JJ questioned with a stunned look on her face.

"Oh, they more than think there connected, they know there connected. Each of these girls are all from Virginia and they all have single mother's that were left a note. There too many similarities for them not to be connected."

She began identifying each child on the Television for us. "So everyone meat Kathryn Roy, this is Mallory Kelly, oh and this is Madison Landry, this is Shawna Wilson and the list goes on. "Garcia said as she wiped tears from her eyes. We all hated cases involving children, and each one never seemed to get easier.

I slowly flipped through the images on my tablet until my figure slid across Shawna's face. Tears formed in my eyes. I hadn't seen a picture of my baby smiling in years. I missed her so much and it tore my heart to pieces as I stared into her shimmering eyes.

I began to get chocked up so I quickly stood and walked out of the room as droplets of salty water spilled from my eyes.

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**(So what do you think? Should i stick with it? Is it worth it to keep going? I am almost finished the next chapter so it should be up_ very_ soon if you want it.)**

**Please leave a review, thanks**


	2. Chapter 2

chapter 2

My legs began to feel like jelly as I ran for the washroom. I didn't know if I would make it before my stomach decided to empty its contents all over the floor. I quickly swung open the first stall door and bent over the toilet as I violently vomited up my last meal.

Once I had regained my balance and washed my face clean, the clatter of heels echoed through the room. I slowly turned my head for I already knew who was watching me. Something about the way she looked at me with those deep blue eyes made a shiver dash up my spine as she walked over to me and rested her hand on my shoulder.

"Are you sure you're okay?" JJ asked softly and instantly I began to dread the conversation. She smiled as me as I bit down hard on my red bottom lip, a true sign the something was wrong. I wasn't alright, but I couldn't tell her that. If I did, I would have to open up about Shawna and that was something that I just was not ready to disclose with anyone.

"I'll be fine. You know how these cases get to me." I didn't want to lie to her so I just twisted the truth. Yes these cases get to me, but they bother everyone else too. And I was physically fine, maybe not emotionally or mentally, but I could handle it on my own quite well.

She let out a sigh like she was not completely convinced by my explanation. "You were crying earlier, now you're crying again. What's wrong with you? I've known you for over five years and that's long enough to know that Emily Prentiss doesn't cry."

I turned my gaze to the mirror trying not to make eye contact with her. "Please stop." I asked my voice cracked as I tried to hold back my whimpers. "I'm going to be okay, really I am." I tried to slip on a smile to hide my real emotions, but I knew she still didn't believe me.

"You better because I don't want to lose you." Then suddenly she wrapped her arms around my waist and held tight and I couldn't help but let my eyes water once again.

* * *

Back in the bullpen, Garcia and Reid were setting up the bulletin board and emptying the boxes full of open missings cases so they could start on victimology. Rossi and Morgan had been assigned to go visit the crime scene and Hotch was in his office talking on the phone with the DC metro PD. That meant there was only one job left for me and JJ to handle. Talking with the victim's mother, who insisted she could not leave her home in case her daughter were to come back, much like I did with Shawna.

The drive to Mrs. Patterson's house was long and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a butter knife. JJ stared out the window as I drove down the unfamiliar road and side streets. As we pulled us to a tall brick apartment, I reached into my pocket and checked the address then looked over at my blonde college. Even after her eight years as liaison for our team, she still detested speaking with parents because it breaks her heart to see all the emotional pain it put them through.

Apartment 309, I knocked on the door and waited for an answer. We listened closely as the sound of light footsteps became louder, the door slowly creaked open. "Hi I'm Agent Prentiss, this is Agent Jareau, we're from the FBI. Can we come in?" I asked as both JJ and I flashed our badges. She pushed the door open the rest of the way and slowly made her way back to the couch. The black bags under her blood shot eyes and her unusually pale complexion told us how terrified she really was. She slumped down in a heap and wrapped a pink blanket around her legs as we took seats in the chairs that sat opposite to her.

Instead of letting the awkwardness set in, we began with our questions. "So was there anyone Carly trusted enough to get in a car with or follow?" JJ started.

Megan's head shot up, as if we had crossed a line. "I told the other police officers that I didn't see or hear _anything._" She spat as she broke into tears. "I have gone over it a thousand times in my head. I saw no one, heard no one. I wouldn't lie to you, I love my baby."

"We know" JJ consulted. "We just really want to understand what happened, thats all." She looked up to me and nodded signifying. I could ask another question, but before I could, Megan turned to me and asked me a question that stopped my heart. "Do you have any kids?"

Normally I would answer this question with the same robotic phrase "N_o I don't and I can't imagine what you're going through_" but truth was I could. I know the pain, I felt it. The hope that someday they might come home, it's paralyzing. Losing a child is excruciatingly painful, you can't eat, can't sleep, you can't even breath without feeling it. It is always there no matter how hard you try to lock it away.

I took a deep breath and looked over at JJ. For once I was going to tell the truth, even though it hurt. "Yes, I had a daughter."

"Had one, you had a daughter?" Megan said quietly as I began picking at my fingernails.

"She was five when she was taken. Her name was Shawna and she was the sweetest little girl in the world." I couldn't help but tear up as a storm of emotions crashed my body. "It's hard, I know that while we're doing everything, we can bring your daughter home safely." I reached out and grabbed her hand. "I promise." In the corner of my eye I could see the confusing sad expression on JJ's face.

I paused for a second to let JJ compartmentalize the situation, and then she asked Megan is we could take a look at Carly's room so we could understand her daughter better, but I knew all she really wanted was to talk.

Carly's room was bright pink and frilly. There were stuffed animals scattered all over the floor, making the it look like a complete mess, but her bed was perfectly set with a white and pink striped duvet cover and fluffy, sparkly pillows of all different shades of what I imagined was her favorite color. It was everything you would expect from a five year old girl.

I walked across her room and picked up a picture of what I figured was Carly's father, it sat next to a pile of folded clothes that sat on her desk.

"You have a daughter, why didn't you tell anyone?" JJ started, she sounded upset. She closed the door before continuing.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you but…Shawna was my whole life and when they took her, I completely fell apart. Whenever I'm happy, when life is finally beginning to look up for me, something awful happens." A single drop of grief welled up from the corner of my eye.

"I'm so sorry Em." She comforted as she hugged me tight, feeling my heart retching pain. Everyone knew I had lost a lot of people in my life, but not all of them had died. Now she knows the most important one is still missing.

"It not your fault; you didn't leave her alone." I mumbled quietly as I placed the picture back on the desk

"It's not your fault ether."

"It couldn't have been anyone else's because no one ever helped me. I was always alone Jayje." That sounded so sad when I finally said it, but it was true. No one ever helped me. No family, no friends, no one. I was forced to raise my daughter on my own, whether I liked it or not.

"What happened to Shawna's dad?"

"Adam died about a month after Shawn was born. It was supposed to be a routine drug bust, but…" the moment I felt a tickle upon my pale ice cold dry cheeks, it made me gasp and suddenly, the dam broke. Heavy tears were streaming down my face.

"Oh it's okay, you can't blame yourself." JJ cooed as she patted her warm hand down the back of my head.

"What about your mother?" Those words struck like lightning to my heart.

"_My mother?_ She hates me, when I called to tell her I was pregnant, the only thing she cared about was her dumb ass career." I remember that day like it had only just passed.

_Flashback._

_I sat on the couch with my feet curled up under me as I stared outside. I had held off calling her for too long because truthfully, I was scared of how she might react. I knew she would be slightly disappointed in me, but I was hoping that maybe she might be the tiniest bit proud. Her daughter was finally going to give her a grandchild._

_My hand rested lightly on the baby bump that slowly began to form under my chest and I slowly rubbed my fingers in tiny circles over it while I thought about the situation. My mother was always motivated to work, otherwise known as a workaholic. All of my life, even when I was younger, she had always put her job first and her family life second. It was something that made my heart ache, that she never cared about me, like most other mother's cared about their children. Sometimes, I wondered why she even bothered having me, if she really didn't want a child._

_I had been staring at the phone on the coffee table next to the couch that I was sitting on for almost 45 minutes already and I still wasn't sure about what to tell her. I knew that most mothers would probably be overjoyed that their daughter was pregnant, but not my mother. She wasn't like most mothers. All she cared about was her reputation and it hurt that she had her priorities in such a mix up._

_Finally, I decided to take the chance and give her a call. What was the worst thing that she could say? That she hated me? I kind of knew that already. Picking up the phone, I found myself punching in her number in my phone. Pressing the phone to my ear, I listened, waiting to hear what her reaction could possibly be._

"_Ambassador Prentiss." she greeted coldly._

_My stomach went into a knot and my heart was beating rapidly out of my chest. "Hello mother."_

"_Emily what an unexpected surprise, how are you darling?"_

"_Good, Adam's good too. And you mother, how are you doing?"I asked as I twisted my hair nervously with my finger._

"_Oh fine I suppose. So what is the special occasion I own this conversation too?"her tone was proper, but alarmingly flat._

"_Not really a special occasion it's more that I have something I would like to tell you."I corrected causiously as I took a deep calming breath in._

"_Are you too finally getting married?" she asked_

"_Not at the moment, mother. I'm pregnant."_

_All I heard was silence. She didn't speak, I wasn't even sure if she was still breathing. Then calmly she cleared her throat. "But you will be married before this child is born." She said a bit quieter as if someone was accompanying her in the room and she wished they would not overhear._

"_It's getting a little bit late for that now."__ I knew from there on, this discussion was only going to get worse. Trying to have a __conversation __with a person who believes they are always right can be difficult and downright frustrating. Dealing with an argumentative individual like my mother; all it was causing was unneeded stress on the baby and I._

"_How far along are you?"Now she just sounded annoyed with me, as if telling her four months ago would have changed a thing._

"_Five months. I thought you might be a bit pleased. What is so wrong about having a baby before I'm married? Are you too scared that your unwed daughter having a baby will end your career, how selfish are you? Once, why can't you be happy for me?"_ _My face was contorted in fury. I was as angry as a bull. Tears caused by my bitter frustration streamed down my cheeks ._

"_I'm done talking now, goodbye. Oh and don't expect any help when Adam leaves and you're all alone raising your child as a single mother." She said in a furious tone as she slammed the phone into its charger._

"_I wouldn't dream of it." I pressed my finger down on the end call button then as hard as I could, I launched the phone across the room, leaving a dent in the opposite wall. I didn't understand why it hurt so terribly bad, being neglected by my own mother. I was aware that she cared very little for me or clearly anyone, but still. I decided that day, that I would prove to her that she will never be needed again. I thought I could handle a baby, even if it turned out I was alone, but I never once thought I really would be._

_End flashback._

"I'm so sorry Em." JJ kept repeating as I cried. For once I didn't feel like I had to hide my emotions.

"But JJ?" I asked softly

"Yes?"

"Please don't tell the team. I don't want Strauss taking me off of the case just because Shawna is mine." JJ nodded. She knew the way Strauss would target me if she found out that we were working a case that was so personal for me. We knew that she would find a way to pin all of our mistakes on me and inevitably get me suspended, causing my team to be down a member and off our game.

Even though JJ would keep her promise, the team would find out soon enough and I will be forced to relive every second of my painful past.

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**what do you think, should i keep going? please leave a review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

When I was finished and had returned from the crime scene with Rossi, Hotch needed us to call the families of the missing children so they could understand what had happened. I knew that getting their hopes up once again was a mistake, but Hotch was instructed specifically by Strauss to handle this case and follow the rules by the book. Now that she was involved, I was only dreading her close eye on us for the duration of our work.

I slid my finger up the list, crossing off each person I had gotten a hold of with a black ballpoint pen. I was tired of calling mothers who were either giving up hope or had moved on. We were forcing them to relive every aching moment of their daughters abductions. I whipped my hand across my sweaty forehead as looked at the one name remaining. It was a weird situation for this kid. The only number I had for a contact was the little girl's grandparents, none for the mother. In the initial report, it stated that the child's mother was with her when she went missing, but the grandfather filled the report himself, claiming the mother was incapable. I felt for the mother, losing a child can make someone do crazy things judging on what I have seen.

The door swung open and Emily slowly walked to her desk, dropping her water covered rain jacket on her chair as she sat down. She huffed as she checked her email then she rolled her eyes at the screen and began chewing her fingernail. She was obviously worried about something as she turned to me and gave me a slight unconvincing smile. "How's it going?" She asked suddenly when she noticed me watching.

I shrugged my eyebrows at her. "I'm finished now, but had a really weird conversation with one girl's grandparent. Now I have to suffer for who know how long of the face-to-face version." I said as I leaned back with my fingers intertwined.

"What do you mean by weird? Face-to-face version of what?" She questioned with a tiny chuckle as she saw how exhausted I was.

I rubbed my index and middle finger in circles on my temples in annoyance. "I sat here listening to the grandfather talk smack about Shawna Wilson's mom. All about how she was never capable of taking care of a child on her own and how she should have gave up custodies of her daughter after Shawna's dad died. The man was a freaking psycho. After about five minutes I was going to kill myself." I laughed at my joke until I noticed she wasn't. She was frozen, staring at me with a horrified look covering her face, a look I had never seen her present before.

I was just about to ask it she was alright when she swiftly stood up and disappeared beyond the glass doors and into the hall. Should I be worried about her, there was definitely something wrong, but I had much more important things to be concerned about. I had to meet with Mr. Mouthy himself and his wife in an hour.

* * *

My heart was broken. I burst into tears as I closed JJ office door behind myself as salty drop poured from my eyes as I broke down. She wasn't expecting the emotional Emily and for a second she was confused then she ran over to comfort me. "What happened? It's okay let it out." she whispered in my ear as she ran her hand down the back of my hair.

"They're coming… and they hate me… and I was… and I didn't mean to…what do I do?" I asked between my breaths and cries. I didn't know if I should be angry or scared. My daughter's grandparents were on their way to the BAU. If they saw me, my secret would be blown and all my hard work to have my mistake erased forgotten was for nothing. I guess all the anger never settled between us.

"Who's coming?" she asked calmly as she whipped some of the tears falling down my dry pale cheeks.

"Shawna's Grandparents." JJ knew everything about my daughter's life after the drive home. I told her about the way Shawna spent her days in the backyard trying to find a dog, even though she would never really find one. And how I spent every second of my days fighting for my baby girl. She was mine, not theirs, they really had no right to try to take her from me. I was and still am her mother. I curled up on the couch trying to think of a solution. Maybe they wouldn't recognize me, I have darker, shorter hair now and I have aged.

As I sat trapped in my thoughts, the phone in my left pocket began vibrating. I slipped it out and read the text on the screen. I panicked at what it said.

Derek: Hotch wants u 2 help me talk with the grandparents. Meet me in my office 5 mins.

I didn't want to reply, but I knew if I didn't, he would suspect something was wrong. But all I wanted to do was find a dark corner and hide in it until this was all over. I felt trapped by the problems. Strauss was pressuring me, grandpa was going to kill me and my job was making it hard for me to be human.

I took a used tissue off of JJ's desk to wipe my tears and I gave myself a quick pep talk. _"Your secret is going to come out sooner or later. This is your chance to give them a piece of your mind before everything unravels"_ I thought as I shook the last of my emotion off and slipped on the professional mask I worked so hard to build. My heart was pounding in my chest and my body was shaking slightly. I didn't know if I should cake my face with makeup so that they really wouldn't recognize me.

To calm down and think, I headed into the break room to grab a cup of coffee. As I sat down at one of the fairly small tables, I continued to hope that no one else in the Bureau decided to get coffee as well so that they wouldn't see the tears that were spilling down my cheeks once again.


End file.
